On January
26th, during a routine 19-week ultrasound, doctors discovered that our unborn
baby boy had a serious congenital heart defect (CHD).
Being a type
I diabetic, and already knowing that pregnancy involved these types of
complications, I have always tried to mentally prepare myself to receive difficult
news. With my first and second pregnancies, I always prayed before each
appointment that God would perform a miracle, and that the doctors would tell
me that the baby was fine. However, I feel that God has been preparing my heart
especially for this moment. From the
beginning of this pregnancy, I felt I should be less "demanding" of
God, and instead more accepting of his will, whatever it may be. So I changed my prayer, that God would help me see His grace even in difficult.
When the doctors informed me that there was something wrong with the baby's
heart, I was sad and worried but I wasn't really shocked. I guess I just never
expected that God would take my prayer so literally.
The ultrasound
began as usual; the technician took all the measurements and gathered all her
information. She pointed out all the baby's details to my other two children,
who had accompanied me to see "their" baby, and said that we were
having a boy! She handed us a strip of pictures, and told us the doctor would be
in as soon as she looked at the ultrasound pictures. As we waited for the
doctor, I excitedly texted my husband (who was in the middle of a class), that
we were having a boy! All the while, trying to wait patiently for the doctor to
arrive and tell us the baby was healthy and happy! When the doctor arrived, she
quickly told us that the baby looked perfect, except for one thing--she saw
that there was a serious malformation of his heart. She quickly called the
pediatric cardiologist, and he agreed to see me that same day.
Before
leaving the appointment, the doctor said that I would need to make some
"difficult choices" quickly, referring to abortion. I was caught off
guard by this, and angered that abortion would even be suggested before they
had even diagnosed the problem. I, quite frankly, told her that abortion would
not be an option. In my mind, God had created this life inside me and must have
a plan for it. I had to allow him to
carry that out, regardless of what it might be.
I texted my
husband the news, and he immediately left his class and came to the hospital to
be with me. But the kids had been at the hospital all morning, and were getting
tired and impatient, so we decided it was better for everyone to take them home
so they wouldn't have to wait through the next exam.
That afternoon, I was seen by the pediatric cardiologist, who conducted a fetal echocardiography to diagnose the CHD. He was working with brand-new machines (I was only his second patient of the day), and was not as comfortable with them. Not to mention that the baby was not being very cooperative, lying in a position which made it difficult to examine his heart.
During the
exam, the words "who am I" kept coming to my mind. I kept thinking
how I was any more deserving of God's grace and mercy than anyone else,
that I should escape these kinds of trials. This thought really helped keep me
calm during the long exam as I lay on the bed looking at pictures of my baby's
heart.
After a very long, 2 1/2 hour exam, the cardiologist was quite confident that he could make a correct diagnosis as congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries (CC-TGA). However, because of the frustrations of the exam, he requested that I receive a second opinion, and referred me to another pediatric cardiologist at the Montreal Children's Hospital to confirm the condition.
As I got in
my car to drive home, the tears started to flow. Yet strangely, at the same
time, I felt an incredible sense of peace that God would bring me through this
trial. The following weeks seemed like the longest of my life, while waiting
for my second appointment in Montreal. I
felt so lost, not knowing what to think without a confirmed diagnosis or any
real details about the defect. All the possibilities went through my mind,
mostly the worst. The only thing that I knew I could do was to keep praying for
peace.
