Letting Go

Today, my husband brought home Caleb's urn. We choose to have our son cremated, because at the time of his birth I was not able to decide where I wanted to bury him.

I have moved a lot over my lifetime, and we are still not settled in a place permanently. I don't feel that I have anywhere to call "home", and it is difficult for me to think of burying Caleb in a place that I may not return to. We thought that by cremating him, we would have more time to decide what we wanted to do with his remains. But it has been nearly two months, and I still can't bring myself to make that decision.

I knew that the day Caleb's urn came home would be a hard day. One of the most difficult parts of this journey was letting go of his body. Leaving the hospital, leaving him there knowing that it would be the last time I would see him, was one of the worst moments. I couldn't even bring myself to look at his urn for a few hours after my husband brought it home, because I knew that when I did, Caleb's death would become final. When I did, I cried just to see it. I guess I never realized how small the urn would be--I have never seen one, let alone one of an infant. It broke my heart to realize that all that's left of my sweet baby is a small, white box that I can hold in my hand.

Now that I have Caleb's urn in my possession, I don't know if I will ever be able to bring myself to part with it. Maybe it sounds strange to keep such a thing (before Caleb, I thought so), but it's all I have of him. Those few momentos--his ultrasound pictures, his handprint and footprint, his hair clipping, the blanket he was wrapped in, and his ashes--they are all that I have of him, and they are so precious to me. How can I possibly let them go?

Son Of My Heart

Caleb: His name was chosen because of it's deep meaning, but little did I know of the significance it would come to have.

A Hebrew name, pronounced Colev, it is actually a compound word that literally means "whole heart."

The Bible says of Caleb, "But because my servent Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went, and his descendants will inherit it." (Numbers 14:24 NIV)

The Caleb of the Bible was a man of great faith. He looked past the discouraging circumstances and saw God. Unlike the other men

sent into the land of Canan who brought back tidings of impossibilities, Caleb was inspired with trust in the power of God.

Because of his faith, God rewarded him. He was one of two Isrealites who were allowed to enter into the promised land. The others wandered and died in the wilderness.

During the difficult weeks of my pregnancy, this was the hope that I clung to. Despite my son's broken heart, I believed that God would make him "whole";  that his life would be a testimony of faith.

And it was--but it is a testimony of my faith.

And my son will receive his reward--except he will not have to wander forty years in the wilderness.

Our CHD Journey: CC-TGA Confirmation and Current Status

I have left everyone hanging about the condition of our baby boy, so I will try to cut to the chase to give everyone an update!

About two weeks after our initial appointment, we had our referral appointment to the Montreal Children's Hospital to receive confirmation of our son's CHD. That two-week period seemed like the longest days of my life, as I spent most of the time "wondering" without having any real answers.  As much as I wished for a miracle, I mostly hoped that this cardiologist would give us the same diagnosis as the first, so that we could gain some clarity on our son's condition and not be left asking "who's right?"

Much to our relief, the cardiologist at the MCH saw the same thing--our baby did indeed have CC-TGA, but as far as he could see, it was a "simple" form with no major complications that would require immediate medical intervention or surgery. Although the outcome of CC-TGA is impossible to predict with absolute surety, the doctor gave us a lot of hope about the future. He believed that the remainder of my pregnancy would be healthy with a normal birth and otherwise healthy newborn. He also expected our son would have an overall healthy, normal life.

The only issue that concerned the cardiologist at this point was a second-degree AV block, a complication that had the potential to worsen and cause heart failure while the baby was in-utero. If heart failure occured, our son would need to be delivered early in order to be given a pacemaker to correct the AV block.  At the time of this appointment, I was just a mere 21 weeks--our son would have no real hope of survival if heart failure occured before 24 weeks, and even after that he would be subject to the many complications associated with a premature birth.

So this is the miracle that we've been praying for: that God would sustain our son's heart and allow him to remain in-utero for as long as possible.

JUMP TO NOW:

I am 28 weeks! I am officially in the last trimester of my pregnancy!

The specialists are currently monitoring our son every other week, watching for any signs of heart failure caused by his AV block. I had my last appointment this week, and everyone was happy to see that our son is still growing healthy, and despite his heart condition, he is an EXTREMELY active baby! The doctors are always impressed by how much he moves!

Everyday, I am reminded of the miracle growing inside of me. Instead of a "count-down" until our baby is born, I "count-up" each day as another day that he is able to remain inside my tummy.

I believe that the One who created my son's heart, also has the power to sustain his heart, "...to him who is able to do exceedinly abundantly above all that we ask or think..." Ephesians 3:20

The epitome of perfection!

Our CHD Journey: First Appointment

On January 26th, during a routine 19-week ultrasound, doctors discovered that our unborn baby boy had a serious congenital heart defect (CHD).

Being a type I diabetic, and already knowing that pregnancy involved these types of complications, I have always tried to mentally prepare myself to receive difficult news. With my first and second pregnancies, I always prayed before each appointment that God would perform a miracle, and that the doctors would tell me that the baby was fine. However, I feel that God has been preparing my heart especially for this moment.  From the beginning of this pregnancy, I felt I should be less "demanding" of God, and instead more accepting of his will, whatever it may be.  So I changed my prayer,  that God would help me see His grace even in difficult. When the doctors informed me that there was something wrong with the baby's heart, I was sad and worried but I wasn't really shocked. I guess I just never expected that God would take my prayer so literally.

The ultrasound began as usual; the technician took all the measurements and gathered all her information. She pointed out all the baby's details to my other two children, who had accompanied me to see "their" baby, and said that we were having a boy! She handed us a strip of pictures, and told us the doctor would be in as soon as she looked at the ultrasound pictures. As we waited for the doctor, I excitedly texted my husband (who was in the middle of a class), that we were having a boy! All the while, trying to wait patiently for the doctor to arrive and tell us the baby was healthy and happy! When the doctor arrived, she quickly told us that the baby looked perfect, except for one thing--she saw that there was a serious malformation of his heart. She quickly called the pediatric cardiologist, and he agreed to see me that same day.

Before leaving the appointment, the doctor said that I would need to make some "difficult choices" quickly, referring to abortion. I was caught off guard by this, and angered that abortion would even be suggested before they had even diagnosed the problem. I, quite frankly, told her that abortion would not be an option. In my mind, God had created this life inside me and must have a plan for it.  I had to allow him to carry that out, regardless of what it might be.

I texted my husband the news, and he immediately left his class and came to the hospital to be with me. But the kids had been at the hospital all morning, and were getting tired and impatient, so we decided it was better for everyone to take them home so they wouldn't have to wait through the next exam.

That afternoon, I was seen by the pediatric cardiologist, who conducted a fetal echocardiography to diagnose the CHD.  He was working with brand-new machines (I was only his second patient of the day), and was not as comfortable with them. Not to mention that the baby was not being very cooperative, lying in a position which made it difficult to examine his heart.

During the exam, the words "who am I" kept coming to my mind. I kept thinking how I was any more deserving of God's grace and mercy than anyone else, that I should escape these kinds of trials. This thought really helped keep me calm during the long exam as I lay on the bed looking at pictures of my baby's heart.

After a very long, 2 1/2 hour exam, the cardiologist was quite confident that he could make a correct diagnosis as congenitally corrected transposition of the great arteries (CC-TGA). However, because of the frustrations of the exam, he requested that I receive a second opinion, and referred me to another pediatric cardiologist at the Montreal Children's Hospital to confirm the condition.

As I got in my car to drive home, the tears started to flow. Yet strangely, at the same time, I felt an incredible sense of peace that God would bring me through this trial. The following weeks seemed like the longest of my life, while waiting for my second appointment  in Montreal. I felt so lost, not knowing what to think without a confirmed diagnosis or any real details about the defect. All the possibilities went through my mind, mostly the worst. The only thing that I knew I could do was to keep praying for peace.